As a teenager and even into adulthood, I was angry.
Angry because my mom battled with addiction. Angry because I felt replaced by my father’s other family. Angry because my innocence was stolen from me. Angry because I never felt good enough. Angry because I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Angry because I felt so misunderstood and so very alone.
In the midst of my extreme anger, I had to move in with my biological father because my mom could no longer care for us because of her addiction. I was 12 years old at the time. I remember visiting a church called Harvest. After going there for a while, we had a lock-in for the youth group. During this lock-in, people began to speak in tongues. I remember a youth leader walking up to me, hugging me, and saying the exact thing I was praying about. “You are not unlovable, and you are not too unclean”. At that moment, it was an out-of-body experience, and I began to speak in tongues. She handed me the microphone, and I walked onto the stage. Mind you, this is the furthest thing from anything I would do at the time. As I spoke in tongues, that same youth leader began to interpret. It almost felt like a dream; it was like I was watching myself from the outside. This was my very first experience with the Lord for myself.
After this experience, I would walk in faith, then go back and forth, like a toxic dance.
I began to smoke weed at the age of 12. I once got so drunk that I honestly don’t know how I woke up the next day. I slept around trying to fill the pain that carried so deep within. I was very suicidal, but still, God kept me.
Then, when I was 18, I got pregnant by a man I barely knew. I had my firstborn son at 19. He came out just as perfect as they came. Then, when he was 2 weeks old, the doctor gave him an earth-shaking diagnosis: “I’m sorry, but your son has sickle cell disease”. I remember my vision shaking because they said there was a possibility, but I never thought it would happen to me. I remember crying as I had never cried before. Even after that diagnosis, I still did that toxic song and dance to the Lord, then did what I wanted.
After countless hospital stays, ER visits, and extreme heartbreak, I continued doing exactly what I wanted to do. Smoking, drinking, doing the walk of shame. It felt like an endless loop.
Then I met my now-husband in a club. We both were very much in the world and had no intention of getting out of it. I then got pregnant again. I was devastated. How could I have done this again? I barely knew him; we had barely even made our relationship official. I had complications almost immediately. I went into early labor at 31 weeks, but thankfully, I was able to carry her until I was 35w1d. I remember the day I had her, I prayed, “God, if something is wrong with her, please show me so I can go to the hospital.”, I knew in my gut something wasn’t right. I began to bleed immediately after that prayer. I went to the hospital and had her via emergency C-section. When I gave birth to her, they said her white blood count was zero, and they had never seen this before. She was not breathing well on her own, and they were not sure she would make it through the night. I remember asking the doctor, “I have a son with sickle cell disease and now a daughter who looks like she isn’t going to make it, is my womb cursed?” They later said that it could be cancer or an unknown genetic disease that would give her a low quality of life, and if she did live, she would not live long. They thought they had found what it was, but it was a false alarm. They called me and told me we were at square one and back to being in the dark as to what was wrong. I remember falling to my knees only 2 weeks post-c-section, and I repented for the very first time in my entire life with a humble heart. Then I asked God to heal my baby. I was washed with peace I could never explain. I got up and told everyone my baby was coming home regardless of what the doctors said. The very next blood draw, my baby was miraculously healed. Absolutely nothing wrong with her, they told me she was coming home. This was my turning point. I had always heard of the healing in the Bible, but I had never experienced it in real time. There is so much power in the name of Jesus, and it has become so clear to me.
After this, I began to take my faith more seriously. I knew that was God shaking me awake. Choose whom you this day will serve.
From that point forward, I knew I needed to do something different. It was slow getting to where I am now. But God helped me brick by brick. I now have a husband of almost 5 years and 2 more beautiful children. I have more peace than I could ever express. He delivered me from that anger I had carried for so long. God has brought me through so much, but he never left my side. He had a plan for me. I have a better life than I imagined for myself.
Jesus always saw me here. Serving him. Loving him. God is in the center of my marriage. God is leading my life. I am grateful he kept me even when I didn’t want to keep myself.
